Page 11 Chapter 10:
The Woman You Are Looking For
f you choose to get acquainted with a very young girl born in the late 1970s or 1980s, then you have a very good chance of getting into trouble. Remember which period she was raised in and what affected her character. Add to this a lack of hope for any good life in modern Russia and the hardest economic conditions, and you will get a portrait of a desperate young woman ready to leave Russia at the first opportunity.
A recent poll of Moscow high school students showed shockingly about half of the girls would like to be prostitutes at an international level. Almost all of them wrote that they were ready to marry any foreigner to leave the country. Those women with disingenuous intentions will not reveal their motives, of course, and many men wind up bringing very large problems into their lives.
If you are seeking a stable and happy marriage, then be very, very careful. Some Russian girls will tell you anything you want to hear. Always keep in mind the unique intuitive ability of Russians. You will never suspect anything until it’s too late. Because of a desperate desire to immigrate, some of the girls will be deceiving not only you, but themselves, as well. They think that life in America won’t be worse than life in Russia. As a result, you can marry a woman that is absolutely wrong for you, and both of you will be extremely unhappy.
Of course, there are decent, moral traditionalists amongst the 18- to 20-year-old Russian girls, as well. But finding them is more difficult than finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. You will have to conduct a serious investigation in order not to make a mistake. You will have to learn as much as possible about her origins, family, and the place she was raised.
It is necessary to know from what cultural sources she was drawing her education, who her role models were, what books she read, what music she listened to, what the quality of relations between her parents was, and even the kind of relationship she has or had with her father. All of these details and more are critically important. It is necessary to have a rather deep knowledge of Russian culture to be able to interpret her answers and make the right conclusions.
It is true of course that if you want to have children in a marriage, then you should choose a wife under 35 years old. However, I should also point out that if you are seeking a woman who is 35 or older, then your chances of finding a traditional wife are much higher. Though generally rejected by shortsighted marriage agencies as unpromising prospects, these women are exactly the ones who present a golden backbone of the traditional Russian women.
They have had a rich life experience and good education. They witnessed the enormous changes of Russian society during the past decade through adult eyes. They will be able to appreciate your heart, sincerity of your intentions, and the beauty of your soul. They will become faithful friends, faithful wives, and devoted mothers for your children — all in one person. There are many, many women of great beauty — within and without– in this age group.
But, again, be aware. By no means are all the women of this age group likely to be traditional. You can easily meet career-minded, materialistic women, prostitutes, and swindlers of all stripes among them. I know many cases when formally divorced women were trying to marry foreigners in order to reunite with their Russian husbands in a couple of years.
It is most likely that some of these women are divorced and are mothers to a child or children. If you are ready to adopt a child, then such a choice will bring you many joys. First, your Russian wife will be grateful to you for the caring about her child. Second, she will have a dear person — her child — to talk with in Russian and she won’t feel so lonely in a foreign country. But having made up your mind to marry a woman with a child, be careful to find out the following:
- What was the reason for the divorce?
- What relations does the woman have with her former husband?
- Will her former husband give permission for the child to emigrate, or will serious problems appear in connection with this?
- Did the former husband have problems with alcoholism and/or drugs?
- What is the health/condition of the child? Does he/she have any chronic or hereditary diseases?
- What is the child’s behavior? Does he/she have any symptoms of hyperactivity or act spoiled?
- What are your future wife’s attitudes about discipline? Does she think that a father should be an authority figure in the family?
I can tell you many stories about how suitable couples broke up because of problems with children from their previous marriages. Russian women are noted for their care and self-sacrifice when it comes to their children. As a rule, they are wonderful mothers who give generously their love, time, and care for children. However, sometimes their love becomes excessive and they may spoil their children or almost worship them. It happens most often if a child is sick or if a child’s father has abandoned him/her. Be mindful of this as you begin contacting women with children.
The good news is that in most cases Russian children and teenagers from solid, traditional families are much more well-behaved and respectful than those of their peers in America. In traditional Russian families problems with wild adolescents are remarkably infrequent. It seems to me that here in the West parents accept their teenagers’ wild, disrespectful behavior, thinking that it is natural for their age. In the meantime, young Russians of 14 to 16 years can be absolutely responsible for and control their behavior.
If you have teenagers who live with you or who visit you often, that’s one more reason for a serious conversation with your future wife. Usually, Russian women are very positive about becoming a second mother, and more than just a stepmother to them. But Russian women very often have no idea about the often-troubling characters of American teenagers, nor do they understand the culture and its troublesome aspects. It is likely that the typical behavior of American teenagers may well shock your future wife.
She won’t be able to calmly accept the things that many American parents simply ignore — free sexual relations, the noisy company of strange young people, alcohol, tattoos, wild fashion, loud music and independence without responsibility. Such behavior will worry and depress her. If you have teenagers who behave like this, I urge you to tell the woman you are corresponding with about the problem from the very beginning. If it doesn’t scare her, she will be morally prepared for what is expected of her in your family.
As I’ve said before, traditional Russian women can’t imagine their lives and families without children. A conscious sacrifice of motherhood is so atypical for Russian women that it is considered an abnormality. Many Russian women aspire to get married very early and bear children as soon as possible. A 25- to 26-year-old girl who hasn’t yet been married is considered almost an old maid. Of course, the attitude towards this is different in different regions of the country. In the big cities of Russia it is possible to meet women of 30 and older who have never been married and have no kids. It is much more difficult to meet such women in provincial areas.
Some Russian women choose to be childless only because they haven’t found a suitable husband among Russian men. The idea of being a single mother doesn’t satisfy them. Many of them dream of a full-fledged family and children. A big delusion of many Western men is the dream of finding a childless Russian woman who will consciously refuse motherhood. Men who were once married and raised their own children are especially hopeful of finding such women. They selfishly suppose that they will be able to replace the Russian woman’s holy happiness of motherhood with their care, stable life, and opportunity to travel. Your chance of finding a traditional Russian woman who is childless and wishes to remain so is negligible.
This is an important point, so I state it again. A truly traditional Russian woman who tells you that she really doesn’t want children is either deceiving you or deceiving herself. Sooner or later, she will want to have children and raise a family; it’s nearly guaranteed. If you marry one that tells you otherwise, then in the end, you will be forced to make concessions or agree to a divorce. The only alternative may be a marriage with a woman who has a child from a previous marriage. She will have raised a child once, and may be satisfied with that. If you don’t want to burden yourself with the care of small children, you will need to find a woman with children who are themselves adult or nearly adult.
One more point you will want to pay your attention to are the relatives of your future wife. The family connections of Russians are very strong. You should plan for future communications with her relatives in advance so that she doesn’t feel isolated from her home and family, and you should also discuss the opportunities for her to take trips to Russia after the marriage. The best and least expensive means of communication with her relatives will be a computer and e-mail. If you have an opportunity to buy an inexpensive computer in Russia, present it to her family. They will be thrilled. And your future wife will be able to stay in touch with her loved ones.
Also find out in advance about her financial relations with her parents and other relatives. Your future wife may be the only breadwinner in her family. In this case, you should settle the matter of material help for her parents when she moves to the West. Often an amount as small as $100 per month is enough to help her parents.
The single most important thing to keep always in the forefront of your mind is that immigration is never easy and never painless. Your wife will be making momentous changes in her life. Besides the isolation from her motherland, culture, language, and family, she may experience much stress from the fact that she will become absolutely dependent on you for quite some time. Adjusting to life in the West will take time and patience on both your parts. It is necessary to prepare well in advance and consider everything possible so that it passes as painlessly as possible.